the ever-growing wish list

and now yet another piece of procrastination. being a broke college student has encouraged my head to fill with an ever-growing wish list of random items, necessary and unnecessary. since i can't get any of these items until my paychecks build up and i cover bills and groceries first, i write the list so as not to forget and as a motivational tool to spend as little of the money i do have as possible on frivolous things. so here it is:

• tea kettle
• shopping spree at urban outfitters
• a travel mug
• road trips: irvine, chico
• vinyl from boo boo records
• daisy by marc jacobs
• polaroid film

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note to self

1. it is important to be happy for other people when they're able to do what's best for themselves. even if it means they have less time for you.

2. sometimes you just gotta let go of those impending due dates and that to-do-list-cycle. stop dwelling and take a look at what's right in front of you.

3. when it feels like everyone has forgotten you, just remember: there's nothing wrong with a little me-time.

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this is what i've found

there are few things and even fewer people that can calm me down or ease my anxiety. i'm an extremely cautious slash nervous person and spend way too much time over-thinking things which should be considered insignificant. there are probably only three or four people who know what to do when i'm nearing that breaking point but when they're unreachable i've had to figure things out on my own. this is what i've found: illuminating my room with colorful "festive lights" my cousin sent me in a care package and listening to bing crosby sing about dreams of a white christmas and ye merry gentlemen on vinyl is one of the most relaxing slash comforting slash anxiety easing things. the memories of family gathered at the tree watching presents getting handed out or the smells of pine needles and peppermint. the scratch of the needle as bing crosby croons about the magic of christmas and the tiny colorful bulbs that dance around my window take me back to where i want to be.

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time

remember:

it slips

right

through

your

fingers

with every tick

of the clock

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just thinking.

what do you do when all your favorite people have different favorite people? who's gonna have your back?

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in and out of weeks, and almost over a year

my thoughts are heavy with

shoulda coulda wouldas.

i don't know where they began

but more importantly,

i can't figure out where they'll end.

soon i hope.

tonight is quiet and my thoughts persist.

i lay here wishing for a storm to come.

rain hitting the roof with my room below

rumbling thunder rolling over this town

wrapping me up

tucking me in.

these thoughts full of worry

bombard my head

just as soon as it hits the pillow.

dreams peek through

but i don't want those either.

i just want sleep.

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some late night thoughts

1. timing is everything, but far too demanding.

2. a rainy day can be the perfect thing when you set it to the right playlist.

3. the real world is getting closer and closer each day and i have no clue what i'm going to do when it gets here.

4. silk-screening.

5. i need to get my hands on some polaroid film.

6. ukuleles.

7. the fear of falling behind.

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'tis the season

things are so much easier when you know what to expect. i love my traditions. new year's with hailey, easter brunch at unk's, yellow cake with chocolate frosting for my birthday, being in charge of the torch on the fourth of july, carving pumpkins with the fam, the way my aunties always know i like to put the marshmallows on the yams, the deli tray put out for dinner on christmas eve and taking my little cousins out on the hunt for rudolph's nose in the sky. things change, though. i'm all for trying new things, but it's hard to change what i know. when it comes down to it, i don't think it's so hard because of the actual changes being made, the new things i have to try. it's hard because i know it's never going to be the same. and i'm afraid i might forget.

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