this is what i've found

there are few things and even fewer people that can calm me down or ease my anxiety. i'm an extremely cautious slash nervous person and spend way too much time over-thinking things which should be considered insignificant. there are probably only three or four people who know what to do when i'm nearing that breaking point but when they're unreachable i've had to figure things out on my own. this is what i've found: illuminating my room with colorful "festive lights" my cousin sent me in a care package and listening to bing crosby sing about dreams of a white christmas and ye merry gentlemen on vinyl is one of the most relaxing slash comforting slash anxiety easing things. the memories of family gathered at the tree watching presents getting handed out or the smells of pine needles and peppermint. the scratch of the needle as bing crosby croons about the magic of christmas and the tiny colorful bulbs that dance around my window take me back to where i want to be.

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'tis the season

things are so much easier when you know what to expect. i love my traditions. new year's with hailey, easter brunch at unk's, yellow cake with chocolate frosting for my birthday, being in charge of the torch on the fourth of july, carving pumpkins with the fam, the way my aunties always know i like to put the marshmallows on the yams, the deli tray put out for dinner on christmas eve and taking my little cousins out on the hunt for rudolph's nose in the sky. things change, though. i'm all for trying new things, but it's hard to change what i know. when it comes down to it, i don't think it's so hard because of the actual changes being made, the new things i have to try. it's hard because i know it's never going to be the same. and i'm afraid i might forget.

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in the early hours of our independence

today was filled with the usual frontierland park festivities, running into everyone and their mom, delicious food (of course some BBQ), and, my favorite, fireworks and the smoky haze they leave behind. my aunties and ma bundle up and sit a safe distance from the fireworks usually heading back inside before we even reach the grand finale.

being the most trustworthy of the cousins, i am given full power over my uncle's blow torch to light all the fireworks. it's really like a creative responsibility when you think about it. i organize them into tri-fectas and quadruple-fectas of medium sized explosions accented with bebe ones surrounding them. my uncles cheer for more while they puff on their cigars and my dad and i lead my cousins in interpretive sparkler dancing through the street in front of the house.

our stomachs stuffed with corn casserole, potato salad, ribs with meat that falls right off the bone, and desserts up the ying yang, how can you not love this holiday?

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